What’s most important? Let the rest go, let some things be “less okay” than others - take control of the ones that are dear to you. No one is a superhero, leave the rest alone we’ll be okay even if they are not.
Don’t compare. Don’t be curious about what others have. sometimes it helps to avoid comparing with who you were too - every decision made from then till now was what you really wanted/needed at that point of time, and is what’s shaping you. Wow would we have known that things might have turned out this way? Don’t regret; Given the same circumstances we would have done the same.
You’ll know yourself - get sufficient rest. If you want chocolates, get chocolates. Satisfy your cravings, make yourself happy - take control.
Stop going in circles.
Down with emotions. Don’t get caught up with the reality that there’s so much to be done, just do it and feel good for completing something when you’ve done so.
Be patient. Take small steps and focus. See that nobody’s going to be able to handle all this as well as you are right now under pressure - be proud.
Have fun. It’s our decisions and time will pass anyway, so let’s learn to enjoy the processes nonetheless.
It can only get better from here.
It’s okay not to be okay, it’s okay not to be the person you were before.
Stop telling yourself that you’re a mess. Even if you are a mess you are a beautiful mess.
This is going to be such a long post and I should really be sleeping soon (can’t get enough of sleep actually just fatigue over such a long period of time) but here’s a long delayed post -
[A few days ago sme pointed out how I kind of changed my style - or what do you call that - two days before the Camp. This reminds me - so thankful to Mr T for his faith and that one reminder which helped to “make it happen” (and Ms C for so many other things)!!]
Here I’m also going to record down my days in preparation for the big event and going to be super honest here since I’m writing for my own keepsake:
Don’t think I’d ever forget those days/nights when what I stand for became my full time job; how I had to sit in front of my computer and sort out documents from 11am-2am but was still unable to finish them; could start sobbing any time under stress and fear that it was not going to happen like how it should and could - never really told anyone about ^ and didn’t want to either. It’s a lot to do with expectations and standards I set for myself (didn’t want to impose any of those on others either), but I’m just so glad/ maybe relieved is a good word to use here too(?) that it all turned out okay (‘:
I know I’ll never forget this portion of my term but at the same time its 2.30am and I’m including so much detail in this post for fear that I’d somehow forget bits and p i e c e s // how can I even forget this but well I have so little faith in my own memory and I just know that this is something I CANNOT FORGET - - - -
I never really got to thank them/say any cheesy shit, but they were the ones who kept it all going well when I couldn’t do handle anymore. It’s like a whole team who knew what exactly to do, what exactly to say - guess if I slept through the three days it would have turned out okay hehe. (Alright kind of an exaggeration here but) each and every single team member, regardless of how vocal he/she was during all that meetings which lasted till bloody 10pms, gave thought and effort to every action/word used during the event. e.g. During the last day I couldn’t hold my front any longer cause I was so tired to keep up with the tone but when I took a step back the team did what was best (‘:
Really grateful to have every single one of you in CampCo, thank you team for putting up with my bullshit 10pms and demands for quality and details (sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing pls). Everything fell into place; we made it happen. I couldn’t have asked for a better team (cliche much but yes) THANK YOU ALL REALLY YOU ARE ALL SO DIAMOND TO ME (‘:
Still have yet to figure out why I was given this responsibility. (To put it simply I haven’t figured out why I was so lucky to be given such a huge role.) A year ago I was disappointed with how unfortunate things turned out and how inadequate I must have been having lost so many opportunities, but this one term showed me how much there is to hold onto rather than wallow in some self-doubt and self- depreciation. Like what I wrote in the Camp Booklet - it’s all about perspectives. I don’t think the lill kids can really understand what I wrote in the foreword (took really long to write that too because I’m never that good with words), but I realise I’ve grown pretty much over the past year. Of many random things, I’ve learnt to enjoy being quiet and observe the people around me; give whatever I have when it comes to things I love and never falter under circumstance; stop questioning why things don’t happen to me and why perhaps I’m still undeserving of/inadequate/NOT GOOD ENOUGH for “all that gold that descends on others” but count my blessings and //TREASURE//
Those are just some of the many things I’ve come to realise(: Well things happen for a reason, and as long as things happen to me I will //TREASURE// and handle them like how I treat Nutella. (Okay bad joke but hahahaha) I am so thankful to everyone who has trusted me with all the responsibilities - (the term is not over but I’m saying this first) there was not a single time when I felt like ‘why am I supposed to handle all this’ but rather ‘they have offered me this and it is so important how do I not disappoint everyone (including myself)’. Feel like a saint saying this but never once saw them as any kind of “burden” or “extra sai” that needed to be cleaned up - with each role came with the trust that I was going to make it happen, make it good.
But yeah I’m not a hero there were many times when I felt like I was broken …? Like one of those days when I was sitting outside the room fixing the ECACO board… knowing that some people probably took me for granted and that I just wasn’t good enough … I felt like I was pathetic - the realities had to tilt my inner balance and break all the strength I’d gathered then. Yet this one term has taught me how to better maintain my balance. Haven’t totally reconciled (with myself) over many things but I now have stronger faith and optimism in all things that happen (:
//TREASURE// is the way to sum it all up. There’s exactly one more month to go - I need to stop sleeping and get my act together to make this as good as my previous 11 months (!!)
//REMEMBER// I don’t see this as an end, really. There’s this strong attachment to the incoming batch and the many years ahead. I’ve got this fear that I’d forget pieces of this journey as the years go by but the spirit’s gonna stay the same so (:
p.s.: And I’m crossing fingers hoping that the 41st will remember too. Every word said during Camp every activity that was carried out - maybe they’ll only see the significance at the end of their term, but aiya you know it’s just all so important
p.p.s: Or maybe it’s just all so important to me only - but really with one month left I don’t really care - it’s really really important do you feels me I d o n t k n o w // h o w t o l e t g o ?
I am such a foodie
1. spent my entire evening researching on where best to go to nomnom when I need to do my math tutorial one I am high (!!)
2. bet I lost two kg during camp then NOW I GAINED BACK THREE?!!
Mudpies and chocolates and pastries and DIMSUM ON MY CHECKLIST
Dimsum soon please please my future boyfriend needs to do all the researching for me (such a chore) before bringing me there and know what is good food/don’t disappoint me - gonna add that to a separate checklist too
WOOHOO eggcited over some food trips in the near future (no idea on when that is but so stoked!!)
So gonna tio judged by this post #dowhatIwanna #satisfied
Was only planning to watch a recital but ended up walking around alone and spending money on food
From m&s chocolates&pastries to awfully choc ice-cream plus a lot of bread and some pretty good reception after recital - 没有钱了but ‘my cup of tea’ (technically really just tea cos came home to good dinner)
Very satisfied ah / back to basics ^_^ recharged and ready to begin again ITS APRIL AND THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO
On a side note how can dr marts look so damn good D:
trying to avoid blogging about whatever that happened because that in itself is some kind of finality
when every single word and action has its purpose
the sobbing every night the butterflies in my tummy going to miss it so so much
going to wake up earlier to watch 41st have their morning briefings tomorrow; so f-ing sad and lost gonna cry like a dog (honestly, so emotionally weak now can do that any time)
did I do good? could I have been better? where do I go now?
Very excited because I have an excuse to go to orchard on monday again (w money) because I can shop for ………. *drumrolls* …………
Told you I’m high tonight this is (food)porn considering marrying a chef/baker whatever
going to watch a recital alone // back to bread&butter
I’m just going to make it happen
it has to happen
one more day so bloody worried but I know WE (and I) CAN DO THIS